The illusion of control

We all want to be in charge of our lives and feel safe. We like to feel we are in charge of our lives and have choices. In other words, we seek to influence others and our surroundings in order to feel safe. Ultimately, it’s all about feeling safe. Most of us have an intolerance to uncertainty and so we engage in “safety behaviours” in a desperate bid to feel safe.

Examples of control

Perhaps you overcheck things in order to feel in control. Do you double-check that you turned the stove off or locked the front door? Another way that you might try to avoid uncertainty is by googling physical symptoms to find out if something is seriously wrong with you healthwise. Others seek reassurance or test their relationships to find out of they are able to feel safe and secure with their loved ones.

Yet more examples of behaviours we engage in to feel in control (eliminate uncertainty):

• Eating disorders — we can choose what we eat and how we treat our bodies.
• Avoidance — if we fear something, avoiding the feared person or situation can help us to feel safe and in control
• Overt manipulation — telling others what they can and can’t do (this behaviour is abusive)
• Overeating — the dopamine hit helps us to feel good emotionally but it is short-lived